I’m sure we’ve all heard the adage that communication is largely non verbal, it’s about so much more that just basic talking. In fact, it’s true to say that the vast majority of communication is done not through words but through body language, expressions, atmospheres and attitudes. What is a warm cuddle in silence communicating? A whole lot.

If nothing else you must realize that your ability to effectively communicate with your partner in a marriage is so important that all else ultimately depends on it. You must consistently strive to improve how well you are able to clearly communicate and also learn to read what your partner is communicating to you. This kind of care and attention will create a circle in the relationship which constantly feeds and rewards itself.

When you feel that someone ‘understands you’ the effect and the feelings it inspires are full of happiness and genuine joy, it’s this feeling that you should be aiming to create in each other. You are a team and neither of you can complete the circle on your own.

Until you really know your partner you’ll each have to do a lot of double checking to see if how you are interpreting each others actions is accurate. It can be very easy to cross wires and communicate to your partner in unintentional ways or to be totally and completely misunderstood. I’m sure we’ve all experienced that.

Looking back you can probably think of arguments which have started solely on the strength of misunderstanding within the relationship. The key is to actively want to know your partner and to use this desire to genuinely listen to them. If your partner is willing to return the same back to you, you’re both going to feel a whole lot stronger in the marriage and a deeper sense of love.

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Marriage problems are as old as marriage itself. How we deal with problems has changed over the centuries, though. Once we were stuck in a marriage no matter what and people stayed for a lifetime, through abuse and unhappiness. Now, it seems, the pendulum has swung the other way and we are often surprised by the problems we encounter and then tend to give up too quickly.

I have been fortunate enough to have been through two failed marriages, and even more fortunate to have learned enough to now be a partner in a wonderful one. I sincerely hope that I can share some insights that will help others through what can be a very painful time dealing with marriage problems.

Communication
Communication, or the lack of it, is at the root of many marriage problems. Don’t ever assume that you know what the other person is thinking. It’s essential to talk about your problems and feelings in a non-threatening environment where each person can express their point of view without consequences. The important thing here is to stick strictly to the facts. Don’t say what the other person intended by their actions, say only what they did. Don’t say what the other person was thinking; only what they actually said. Then you need to find a way to say how you feel about the “facts” in a way that does not accuse, but simply states your feelings. This is more difficult than it sounds.

It is important to be aware of how you respond to what is said to you. You want to respond to your partner not react. If you feel yourself “reacting” it is best to take a break and come back when you feel you can “respond”. If things are explosive it is helpful to have one person express their viewpoint on one occasion and then make a designated time later for the other to “respond”. Use the time out to form a response keeping the rules outlined above in mind.

As an example…I might be upset that my husband parked the horse trailer in the wrong place. A reaction would be; “you put the trailer there just to bug me…” A response would be “when you parked the trailer there I felt like you just wanted to bug me…”

If you feel that your partner has expressed a view in a non-factual way just say, “that is not fact, please re-phrase it so I can respond”. Since there is always so much emotion involved when problems surface in a relationship this is a very difficult exercise. However, if you cannot communicate effectively how can you solve a problem?

A very important rule to keep in mind is that you MUST deal with one marriage problem at a time. When the discussion sidelines to another problem you need to say; “can we deal with that problem later, we need to deal with this one first”. Sidelines always confuse a situation and the result is usually that nothing is resolved.

It is always best to try to open the lines of communication before the problem becomes too emotional. Try to stay on top of your own feelings and to be aware of your partner as well. If you notice that your partner seems to have a problem try to ask in a non-threatening way if there is a problem. This way you can hopefully address issues before they become too large. I would suggest reading some books on effective communications. My favorite is People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts by Robert Bolton, PhD. Dr. Phil is another great author and communicator, and there are many others. Do your homework; it will be worth the effort!

Ask for Help
Sometimes it seems that your marriage problem is just too hard. Discussions become fights, ugly things are said and communicating with your partner seems impossible. Ask for Help. If you can seek help from a third party you will often find that they ask the right questions to open the lines of communication and you may begin to see things in a more objective manner – in other words you will have a better understanding of where your partner is coming from, and maybe even where you are as well.

There are many sources of help with marriage and relationship problems. If you have religious affiliations you can seek help there. Speak to your family doctor and ask for a referral to a counselor. Many therapists are listed online and you can sometimes get an idea of what types of problems they specialize in. Try not to bring friends and family into the mix unless you have to as they are probably not going to be objective…wherever you go for help be prepared to give it all you’ve got in terms of effort, and if you don’t find help the first time, look for someone else!

Finally, read, study, and keep searching. Once you find the key to solving your problems you will be able to use that key forever, in all your relationships.

Sharon is an Aromatherapist and animal lover. Together with her husband, Skip, she manufactures essential oil pet products, is involved in horse rescue in Canada, and is currently venturing into the e-commerce field with her new website: http://www.peppermint-romance.com. Helping people find love and keep the romance alive!

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The number one complaint in marriages is partners experiencing difficulty communicating. For a successful marriage begin with understanding your spouse. Successful marriage communication can be learned and nurtured. Understanding your spouse is the first step.

There was a time when you and your partner fist met that everything seemed perfect and everything flowed effortlessly in your relationship. Now that the romance has faded and life seems routine you may feel like you don’t even know your partner anymore.

It’s unfortunate that many relationships play out this way. Slowly over time the relationship drifts off course until one day you seem to be arriving in different ports. The connection you once felt is a smoldering ember rather than the passionate flame you desire.

Ask you spouse open ended questions about what they thought or felt about time you spent together, things you’ve experienced or desires going forward. It is a simple and non-threatening way to begin conversations and learn more about your partner. There are no wrong answers and it’s important to respect the response, it helps you to better understand your spouse.

Setting the tone for successful marriage communication should be kept in a positive light. It is never to judge or manipulate your partner. The better you understand your spouse the easier it gets to communicate with them. Over time you will experience greater connectedness and trust with your loved one.

Depending on your own circumstances and patterns of destructive marriage communication you may experience difficulty in breaking the ice. If this is where you are with your partner you may need someone to help get your communication back on track.

It has taken both of your efforts to get here. One person taking the initiative to make positive changes can make the difference in a relationship. With the proper assistance you will be on your way quickly to successful marriage communication and a better understanding of your spouse.

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We’ve compiled the resources to help whether you need to rekindle your love in your marriage or trying to fire up the passion. If you are concerned about losing your spouse or are searching for the relationship you desire we have brought together insightful people and programs to help you attain the relationship you deserve. Visit us now to discover more. When you visit our site be sure to sign up for our free reports on Successful Relationships.

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Married women often become puzzled and anxious about their marriage relationship because they don’t know how to properly communicate with their husbands. Instead of speaking loving and respectfully to their husbands, women often resort to complaining and nagging, which results in either half-hearted responses or no response at all from their husbands. This can result in frustration, resentment, and bitterness for both the wife and her husband.

After having been married for almost twelve years, I’m a firm believer that as women it’s necessary for us to learn more creative and non-threatening ways to talk with our husbands, if we want meaningful communication.

Below you’ll find over 10 ways to communicate effectively with your husband:

1. Get a Ph.D in knowing your husband. Although learning about your husband will require extra time, work, and humility on your part, it’s absolutely free! Sometimes when we’ve been married for a certain period of time, it’s easy to take our husbands for granted because we think we know them so well. Because of this, we often fail to notice the changes our husbands can go through as life progresses. Take time to re-educate yourself on your husband. Watch his mannerisms and/or any changes in his life. You could also take note of his interests as well as his dislikes.

2. Listen to Your Husband with an Unbiased Attitude. If you, like myself, are the exact opposite of your husband, chances are you won’t agree with every opinion he has or every decision he makes. Often this can cause us to respond harshly to their thoughts when they do actually try to express themselves. As a result your husband could shut down from the conversation and refuse to communicate with you at other times. In addition, we can become indifferent to their opinions by “tuning out” of the conversation or focusing on other things such as the TV, the computer, or the cell phone during your conversation. Being an active listener requires listening to your husband with an open mind and the proper attitude, whether you agree with him or not.

3. Bless your husband with an unexpected, inexpensive gift. If you know what your husband likes, this is probably an easy thing for you to do. For instance, if he enjoys sports, you could get him a Jersey or keychain with his favorite sports team or player name on it. If he’s a music fan, you could get him a CD. If he likes a particular food, you could cook it for him, or purchase a gift card from his favorite restaurant.

4. Pray for your Husband. Sometimes when we talk to God, praying for our husbands can be difficult especially when we’re angry with them. However, we can’t let our emotions dictate whether or not we pray for them. Examples of some things you could pray for your husband include:

• Discernment
• Wisdom
• Grace
• An overflow of creative ideas for his job, ministry, family, and building the Kingdom of God
• Surround him with godly men who can encourage him to grow spiritually
• Favor in every area of his life
• The grace to overcome temptation

5. Identify and become fluent with your husband’s love language. If you haven’t read Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages” I suggest you do. A love language is the primary way a person expresses him/herself. It’s a type of gesture or expression that makes a person feel loved and valued.

The Five Love Languages include:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service

6. Pray for Guidance. Ask God to help you say something to encourage your husband each morning. Ask Him to give you the grace to know when to remain quiet. Our words can either build up or tear down our husbands. This is why it’s so important to be mindful of what we say, how we say it, and when we say it to them.

7. Recognize Your Husband’s Life Suckers. Consider what stresses your husband and drains him on a daily basis. What angers him? (Make sure it’s not you!) It could be his job, a certain person (or group of people), money problems, or a particular situation. Try to do what you can to get rid of these things in his life or at least try to alleviate the stress.

8. If you have been arguing with your husband on a consistent basis, apologize to him for the things you know you did wrong. For example, if you’ve said something to hurt your husband’s feelings, you could apologize to him. Or if you refused to do something you promised you would do, you could apologize. (Don’t expect an apology from him even if he was wrong. You cannot control what he does to you. You can only control your actions. In fact, your willingness to apologize could in turn encourage him to do the same.) You may need to take some quiet time to consider where you were wrong, but it can be done. Then let your husband know that you sincerely want to work with him to rebuild the love and respect in your marriage relationship. Then do it!

9. Do your best to look good for your husband. Men are visual, so if you look your best for your husband, you’re communicating that you respect his desire for you to look attractive; and it also makes you feel better. Sometimes, we can allow children, work, ministry, and many other factors to hinder us from taking time to look good, but we must learn to invest in ourselves.

10. Make passionate love to your husband. It’s one thing to have sex with your husband, but it’s another thing to give him your all! My husband can tell when I’m really passionate about making love to him, and when I’m not. When I don’t put for the effort to have passionate sex, he calls it “Pity sex”, meaning I’m only doing it to fulfill my “wifely” obligations. This type of “Pity sex” involves no passion, no desire, but just duty. How pleasing is that to your husband? But when I give it my all, he says nothing but “Thank you…” and this effort on my part strengthens our relationship, and ultimately opens up the doors for intimate, effective communication.

11. Pray with Your Husband. This is a very powerful tactic. Ask, but don’t nag, and if he doesn’t feel fully comfortable with praying aloud with you, suggest the two of you hold hands and do a silent prayer for one another and once each person is finished you can say, “Amen.

Although your marriage may be void of healthy and meaningful communication right now, you can do your part to help encourage communication. It will take time, effort, and creativity; but if you work at it on a consistent basis, you should see a breakthrough that can help to benefit your marriage.

Tiffany Godfrey, also known as the Committed Wife, is a marriage resource specialist who’s very passionate about helping to save Christian marriages by encouraging Christian women.

For More Hot and Creative Tips on Marriage Communication, go to: http://www.committedwife.com.

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